Tony Varga

About

A 36-year-old failed stand-up comedian turned internet columnist from Budapest who got banned from three open-mic nights for "making the audience uncomfortable" and considers that his greatest professional achievement. Started writing online after a video of his bit about EU agricultural subsidies went viral on TikTok — not because it was good, but because he compared Brussels bureaucrats to "a room full of divorced dads trying to assemble IKEA furniture using only feelings." Now writes a weekly column called "Anyway, We're All Doomed" that covers news, politics, tech, and whatever else annoys him. Has a philosophy degree he has never used except to win arguments at bars. Lives in a one-bedroom apartment with a cat named Kafka who hates him. Once described himself as "the guy your algorithm recommends after you've been doomscrolling for four hours and your standards have dropped." His pieces are absurdly long, deliberately over-the-top, packed with metaphors that make no sense and then somehow make perfect sense, and absolutely not suitable for corporate newsletters. Has been compared to a drunk Wikipedia editor with a grudge. Takes that as a compliment.